Beyoncé - Broken-Hearted Girl

beautiful song...

to fall in love

"I'm constantly falling in love. With different people. I don't show it, I do nothing to gain an interest of man who I like. I don't know how and I don't want. Because it's not real. My parents never loved me that's why I dream about love, care and romantic feelings generally. Damn it. My heart's killing me. Right now. In this same second. I despise it. I hate it. My anger about it is now big, fat & dark grey. ("Big, fat & violet" is very funny name for book I think. *thoughtful smile*)

Yesterday I liked, even loved one person, today I love another man. Fuck. "Truth, truth, truth about love..." (Pink's cool!)))


Forgive me, forget me..."

Life

Your life is so beautiful,
You're shining like a star,
You already said all that you knew
And now you seem so far

        From garbage and miseries,
        From duties and cries,
        Your existence is teasing us -
        Who gave you these rights?

We all are just like animals,
Like pitiful dust,
You were our beam of happiness -
Why you go forward so fast

        From garbage and miseries,
        From duties and cries?
        Your departure is teasing us -
        Who gave you these rights?

You're gorgeous and beautiful,
But you forgot all required words,
Your silence is perfect sin -
Things'll never be like before.

That's why you can go,
That's why fly away!
Our motions may be slow,
But now we'll live for a day

        In garbage and miseries,
        In duties and cries,
        In this funny and strange world,
        Full of hellos and goodbyes.
(25.09.2012)

Let yourself be happy

Open your eyes and then you'll see
            this beautiful world around your soul:
Green grass and blue skies,
And forest, where wild animals
         live full and free, and fast.
Hear the voice, voice of Nature:
It lead you to the Tree,
Tree from Eden.
But destroy it.
Despise the wisdom.
Be a murderer.
Kill every creature who smarter than you.
Bury it.
And kill again.

This is the most proper way.

Your smile is so innocent.
You're gorgeous.
Now your can smell scent of victory,
Fragrance of splendor.
It's amazing.
It inspires. 

Isn't this better?

Just let yourself be happy
And die.   

(16.09.2012)

digging out a hole in my heart

I'm in deepest, darkest ravine,
Painful doubts,
Sorrowful thoughts
Dance their crippled dances 
On my pitiful bones.
Destruction.
I sing soulless songs of silence.
Dumbest choices.
Most hateful time of my life.
Why I'm here now?
I wanna sleep.
I wish I have a swarm of dreams
About fire,
About beauty
Of oblivion.
But I'm awake.
And world says me "Shut up, turn out and leave" -
It's answer to my every wish,
To every prayer.
And it's funny.
Rules of my existence.
Blindness.
I'm drowning.
Again and again.
Constant repetition of my "six feet under".
I'm fading away.
I'm melting in shades of rain.
People see me, 
Stay next to me,
Surround me.
And somebody begin to dig out
A hole in my heart.

This moment is my punishment
And my extasy.
But who cares?

Fragile neck, porcelain hair, ivory eyes...
Sopor of my consciousness.

Welcome to purgatory.
(15.06.2012)

Touch

Don't touch me.
Don't touch me again.
No need.
My skin is so thin -
You can rend it,
Accidentally.
Or...?
You can rend it and turn me inside out.
And then you'll see
All ugliness,
All mess,
All wicked wishes and bizarre intentions,
My share of laxity,
Ambiguity,
Vagueness,
Terror
And wails.

For what?

Don't waste your time.
Don't touch me.
Never.

Never.

Please.

Never.


Now.
(15.06.2012)

I think

I think I'm bitten off more that I can chew. Shit. I'm so afraid. I'll be fired I'm sure. Shit, shit, shit.

I want

I want to read a book "Red tea" by Paul Harris Daniel. New film by my favorite contemporary director, Bala, based on this novel.
I'm not fan by nature, but movies that Bala made are awesome:
"Sethu" (1999) - 8 of 10,
"Nandhaa" (2001) - 10 of 10,
"Pithamagan" (2003) - 9 of 10,
"Naan Kadavul" (2009) - 100 of 10,
"Avan Ivan" (2011) - 7 of 10.
Bala is the man who I deeply respect.

Waiting for "Paradesi" (2013)...

Recently I cried so much. My eyes are bad. My eyesight are worse and worse. I'm afraid that I'll be blind in few years. Fuck. I hate it.
I don't know what am I writing. My language skills are dying. Or it never exists. I'm dummy girl in stupid world. That is conclusion of all my life.

Truth be told

Truth be told, my life is fucking shit.

Strong Poison by Dorothy L. Sayers

It's sweet book. I mean it. Really. Peter, Harriet, I love you both so much! I'm waiting for your wedding, my kittens!)))
Ok, let's run away from this CUTE stuff and let's write something with common sense inside. This book is good. No doubts. I like twenties and thirties of 20th century. Fashion, dresses, jazz. Style. In style. I can make more wordy description, but I wanna go to bed and sleep, that's why I say only "I'm in love". In love with this beautiful epoch and in love with this beautiful book full of humour, funny phrases, interesting individuals and hilarious folk. Go with it. Meantime I go to bed.

My job: random thoughts

I'm office girl. Just office girl. Office girl who do all stupid paperwork. Freaking amazing. People around me sometimes are kinda creepy. Howls, angry comments and more worse things are annoying parts of my everyday routine. I'm working, ok? Making money. But it's SO stupid. Absolutely stupid. Damn it.

Today I had little conversation with our CEO. (Actually there're two CEOs in our enterprise, but I never had talk with other man.) He questioned me about my knowledge of english and so on.  I answered: "Medium". May be it was a My Big Opportunity, but I fucked it up. As I always do. I'm a dunce. I'm thinking about TOEFL. I had been thought about TOEFL for a long time. It's true. But there's big difference between 'thinking' and "making". When my dreams come true...

tbc